Camp Alex

Camp Alex was this week.

Bright salmon colored Camp Alex T Shirt

I learned of Camp Alex after a telephone interview with David and Gerald about coming to Arkansas to be a YAV a year ago.  After a promising conversation on how great of a fit I was to bring my passion for science and the environment to do some projects with Ferncliff's new straw-bale Eco Center, they asked me if there was anything else.

I told them I've had a rough year.  One of my best friends, ancestral kinsmen, fellow plantcrafter, and inspiration to be a YAV, Gus killed himself, and my 30 year old cousin Sarah died from a heart condition after finishing a marathon when I was home for Gus' funeral.  Two of my supervisors moved away, another took a different job and I had a few weeks when the interim left me.  I told them I think I just want to go home and be with family for a while after all that loss and stressful transition.

Gerald asked about my cousin Sarah.  He told me his son died very young of practically the same heart condition.  David said, "we host a camp for kids of families that have lost loved ones from suicide"  I thought, "that's a weird coincidence"  and after I hung up the phone, I pondered a little and talked to Jane about it.  Jane was my supervisor who never left me, (but she scared me once after a car wreck that ended a police chase).  Any way.  I googled, "Ferncliff suicide camp" and I saw the words "Camp Alex"  and the way my brain read that in a time of trying to dicern if I should stay home or go to Ferncliff, I heard God saying "Camp Alex, Go to camp, Alex"

In reality it took God thumping me in the head with three other big coincidences before I listended to those words to come to camp.  Now I am here and It came full circle when Emily, Joel and David let me be the coordinator for Camp Alex.

Camp Alex is named after Alex Blackwood who killed himself in 2008 at age 19 as a college freshman.  His mom Cindi, father Steven, and sister Ariel began the camp when they realized how nice it would have been if there were a camp or something for Ariel to go to as a 13 year old who lost an older brother to suicide.  They took this extremely tragic thing that broke them, took the pieces and made something new to .

They told me Alex would be 25 now. I'm 25. He kind of had my build, tall. He was a little thinner than me, but we both share dark eyes, dark hair, and a calm demeanor.  I saw a painting of him today and we're not very close in the face, but Ariel gave me a double-take when I introduced myself as Alex.  There was also a Will this week, and another camper who lost his brother Will to suicide. Both Wills are very close in age.

So what does this kind of camp look like?  The week was full of normal camp activities like fishing, boating, archery, packing hygene kits at the DAC, we even went over to the 4H center and did the rock wall tower and giant's ladder, those team building high ropes activities that teach cooperation, and physically leaning on those around you when you need help.

What made us different were some art therapy projects and time with Greg Adams, a grief therapist from Arkansas Children's Hospital and friend from church.  Greg did activities to help us understand emotions associated with grief and response to suicide and got us talking.  We broke a flower pot and glued the pieces back together to symbolize how you feel broken after a loved one dies, but you have to put the pieces back together, and it might look different, be a little scarred, but it's still there, and can still hold a plant.  We got to anonymously ask some things we were confused about with dealing with suicide and everyone in the group had a chance to speak up.  We wrote a letter to the loved ones we grieved for, and we wrote a possible response from them to our letter.

Cailey and Ariel lead art projects like making a clay model of our emotions, drawing a tree to show what was temporary like leaves, and what sticks with us always like roots.

We also did some music making with small drums and karaoke to express our emotions through song, dance and instruments.

Even with the most shy kids, these metaphors allowed all of us to be very open about how we feel. And process through some grief. Greg said that there is no other place in the state of Arkansas where we could have had that kind of conversation about how we feel and what we wonder about with that much openness, without criticism.

A lot of people tend to respond to suicide survivors, or survivors of any tragedy telling them how they should be feeling, and I think we just need permission to feel how we feel and get through it on our own.

Back of Camp Alex T shirt

I want to thank David for tolerating me getting further behind on my to-do list to help with this camp.  Joel and Emily for making me the unit coordinator.  John and Hayley for being such good counselors and coaching me through being unit coordinator.  Thanks to Ariel and Cailey for their art therapy projects, and Cindy for bringing the camp, Greg for all his work in grief counseling, and all the kids for being open and honest with us, and for having the courage to discuss this hard thing with people you don't know.  It was a gift to walk a little with others carrying a similar load.

One snapshot of the week I'll never forget was making it to the top of the Giant's Ladder at the 4H Center with Will, a 12 year old camper.  This is the activity:  Between two large trees about 6 feet across is a giant rope ladder with wooden beams for rungs.  The first is about 3 feet off the ground the second 4 feet above that, and as you go up the space between each rung increases by about a foot and a half.  You climb up in pairs with the rule that you can't be any farther away from your partner than one rung.

Everyone that wanted tried it.  At the very end Will wanted to go and nobody else did, so I stepped up to help him. I was talking it up like we'd get to the top and we started going.  In my counselor mind I figured it would work if I do all the work to get myself up there, and I'll do all I can to help him get himself up there.  I thought, he's only 12 and I'm like twice as big as he, he'll never pull me up.  We had a strategy of I'd let him climb up my knee on my bent leg to get to the next rung, and I'd help support him as he'd stand up and hold on to the rung above for balance.  Then I'd hoist myself up there as far as I could and use his arm for balance as I stood up.  But as we got closer to the top, it became harder and harder to keep climbing.  It was harder for him to pull me up, and it was harder for me to get up without him pulling me. Each time I had to give up that personal pride that I was going to get him up there and rely on this 12 year old kid to pull most of my weight up.  Sure enough he never dropped me.  I had to depend on him to get me up more than I had planned and more than I thought he could.  There were a lot of times when we'd be ready to give up and the team on the ground would encourage us to keep going.  For some reason we climbed on!

Pretty soon we got to a place where he said, I'm ready to get down, and I looked up and we were just had to get to the next rung and we had made it, but it was right at my nose height.  With a struggle Will climbed up my bent leg at my hip and onto the top rung, but when he stood up the top bar was at the tip of his fingers and he couldn't grip it enough to also reach down and grab my hand, so the belay team below shouted for me to grab his leg for leverage.  He was scared he couldn't hold on and that his foot would slip.  I was scared his foot would slip, but I used his leg for leverage to swing over the bar, reached up my right hand and he got it and pulled me up.

I had to let down some of my idea that I'd do all the work for me and help him where he needed it and we'd make it.  It showed me I have some pride and self centeredness in my generosity that I want to do the work.  I learned to realize that the campers can help me out too.  In a way I felt my experience with Gus could help the kids see that it's ok and we will all get through it.  But just like I needed to rely on Will, I needed to rely on the campers and other counselor's stories of suicide to help me heal a little more.  Just like that ladder where we need to trust the belay team below not to let us fall down to our death, and our climbing partner to reach out an arm, leg, or hip when we need a boost, we learned healing from loss is very effective when done in community, and this week we made a community.

I see now that here at Ferncliff I'm not only here to play, explore and grow, but in some cases to lean on others to help us reach our goals together.

To sponsor a kid to come to Camp Alex or learn more about Camp Alex, the Alex Blackwood Foundation or the Association For Suicide Prevention, please visit http://www.alexblackwood.com/  They have some pictures from previous camps posted there.